Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Dear Jon...

They say if you love your work, you never work a day in your life. That couldn't be more true with my "job." Not a lot of things you can bitch about when you can drink while at work.
Sure, some things can kinda suck, like always being on the road, away from friends and family, and the majority of our shows are in shit bars, in towns no one has ever heard of.
For the most part the "good" really out weighs the "bad!"

The fact that I'm even able to be living out what really was just a childhood dream, is amazing in itself! Much like most kids that wanted to be a ball player, or a super hero, my dream was to do stand up. As a boy listening to Bill Cosby and Eddie Murphy tapes, I always dreamed of what it must have been like to do what they did. Oh, how I hung on to every word, wondering how they came up with that, or thought of this.

Now at the age of 35, I find myself in a motel 6, in the small town of Independence, OR.

After one of the shittier shows I have ever been apart of, one of those shows where no matter what the comics do, the drunks don't care (most of whom didn't even know a show was going to happen).

They say its never the crowds fault.
For the most part that's true, but sometimes I have got to say, it can be. Whatever it was, I really can't say. Just one of the many nights that comics will have to face. It happens to all of us, and it will happen to me again.

The thing is, with this show, I was coming off of a great weekend at a comedy club in Tacoma. Now, the very next night, I find myself in a dive bar trying to shove it down the throats of non-care'n drunks while they played pool. It was a real ego check.
After the show, the middle act and myself had a few beers, and laughed it off.
We traded stories of other bad shows we have had to go though.
We then walked to our five star motel 6 and went to sleep, living to fight another day...

The next day I woke up still thinking about the night before. Wondering how the shows could be so different? It was the same act, same energy.
I went to my laptop and did my morning routine of coffee, email, and where in the hell am I going today (google maps)?

When I opened my email I got this from a guy who came out to see the show just a few nights before:

my wife and I saw you last night (Saturday 1/22/10) at the Tacoma Comedy Club. I just wanted to say that you were fantastic! I laughed so hard I was crying half the time. I'm 57 years old and was not drinking at all. You took me by surprise. You were as good as the best standup comedians I've seen on TV.
I did stop and said hi on the way out and told you that you were hilarious (old grey haired geezer that I am).

Too bad I didn't see you on Friday night because I would have come to see you both nights.You are that good (in my opinion).

You have a huge amount of energy, and are just in total control.A very ploished act!

Thanks for a great show, and keep up the good work.

Jon ****

What sucks about this is that I wish I could remember when he came up and said hello. Cause it's stuff like this that keeps you going. Wish I could have thanked him!

As I faced the drunken college kids the next night, in yet again another dive bar, I thought about his email...

Saturday, January 1, 2011

The names have been changed to protect the crazy

People are crazy: here is a instant message chat I had while on Facebook with some chick I didn't know

her: hey!
me: hey
her: how are you
me: good, you
her: good
her: I sent you a game request on your wall
me: OK
her: did you delete it
he: yes
her: why
me: I don't play games on here
her: that was rude
me: oh yea
her: yea why don't you just leave it
me: why do you care
her: I just think it was rude of you
me: why are you talking to me
her: I just wanted to ask you
me: I trying to look at porn go away
her: you're an ass
me: thank you!!!
her: I'm going to unfriend you
her: I think you're an ASS!
me: do I know you or do you just pick random dude on facebook to nag because no one will date you
me: THEN GO NAG HIM!!! I'm trying to watch donkey show porn
her: ew you are gross
me: have you tried it
her: FUCK U
me: you should its hot
her: I should report you
me: please do
her: you are sick
me: you kinda look like a donkey guess I don't need the porn anymore!!!
her: I do not
me: yes you do, what are you wearing?
me: where did you go we were just getting along
her: I'm going to tell my man about you!
me: what are you 13
her: I'm 22
me: oh a young donkey
her: you are sick in head
me: your man is into donkeys
her: you wish you could be my man
me: your right he doesn't have to look at donkeys on line he has his own
me: I think I'm in love with you

At this point she no longer wanted to "chat" with me and "unfriended" me...

Thursday, October 28, 2010

You "Rock the Vote" I'm watching Football

I'm not going to vote, that's right! Sorry, call me a dick. Say I'm what's wrong with America.
I don't care!!!
MTV and every body else is all about: "Rock the vote" NO I don't think so!!!
I don't think everyone should be able to vote. I think you should have to take a test to vote. I really think that's how bush was elected in the first place...
Did you see that? See what happens when people (me) with no education on the subject just starts throwing his opinion's around!!! Any Idea how thousands of folks like me could be dangerous at the polls!!!
Stop telling people who have no idea whats going on to vote, cause it's cool and Jay Z is doing it.
I would pay more attention to all the politics, But I have way too much Football, and ESPN to watch. I tryed but I just don't care. You know what I care about? I care if the Giants cover the spread THAT'S WHAT!!!

Besides it's way too much pressure to vote, I mean what if I vote for the wrong person?!! Huh then all of a sudden he goes nuts and starts talking about weapons of average destruction?!! Then we attack Mexico for no reason at all?!!
Then a year into the "Mexico America conflict" also known as "Sombrero Storm" we all find out the conflict had nothing to do with average weapons, but had everything to do with not having enough burritos in our country!
Then next thing I know we all are paying $3.89 for a burrito!!!
I'm sorry that's way too much pressure for me.
You guys go ahead and rock the vote, I'll be here watching Sports Center waiting for the change...

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Favre its not you, its me...

I don't even know how to put this, so I'm just going to come out and say it...
Brett, we have had some really good times. I'm sorry, But I have to drop you from my fantasy team... I think it's time we move on.

We had a good run, it's just run it's course. My friends and family are starting to talk. It's just not a healthy relationship anymore. I can no longer go on defending you, let alone sit here and watch you do this to yourself, AND to us!!! I just need some space and some time to think.

I mean I gave you the best 21 years of my life!!! AND FOR WHAT?!!
It's like you're not even thinking about my needs anymore. You're just running around taking d*ck pics, and throwing things whereever at whoever without even thinking about how it's affecting me, or the people around you.

It hurts Brett, it hurts! I have supported you though everything Brett, EVERYTHING!!! You throw six picks in the playoff, I'm there, you retire every year, I'm there, you blow it in the NFC Championship game, I'm there, you take pics of your junk and I"M THERE!!!

But when I needed you on Sunday night where were you?!! You know maybe it's not you, maybe it's me. Maybe you're just trying to set every record in the NFL good and bad? If that's the case just say so!!!

Dude even the mouth breathing D BAG of a coach is talking crap!!! When is it going to end?!! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! I'm sorry, but I have picked up another QB. I just don't want you to hear it from someone else, his name is Flacco. Yes he is young, but I just can't wait for you any longer... I'm sorry it has to be this way but I can't change you, all I want is to be happy...

So long old pal, I hope you find the receiver you have been trying to throw to for 21 years...
Joe F.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

I'm in pole position bitch!!!

Really Nascar has a cologne for men?!! WOW, I didn't know domestic violence had a scent...

AND while I'm at it, I really like it's funny that Nascar is sponsored by ExtenZE. So if you use it and "bust one" too fast, you can just say "hey baby relax I was just qualifying"

You don't like 2nd hand smoke? GO TO A BAR!!!

I almost stopped smoking today...
Then again I almost pushed an old lady out of the way after a six hour flight... I think I'm going to keep smoking for now. AND you are welcome!!!

After all if I didn't smoke that's one less person you non smokers have to bitch about, then what are you gonna do?! Start bitching about other smells you don't like?!! Are we gonna start hearing about the dangers of 2nd hand farts?!!

Not to mention all the health care professionals I'm keeping employed and with this economy?!! We need all the jobs we can get, so once again you're welcome!!!
Let me bring it down for you people...
Smoking stops me from freaking out on YOU, that's right YOU!

You the guy in line at Taco Bell talking on your cell phone while trying to order off the dollar menu.

You the little kind lady at the market who is paying with change after using coupons.

You the ASS who just cut me off in rush hour traffic, just so you can get to the next traffic light 1.5 seconds faster. If I didn't smoke YOU would be endanger, and I would be endanger of going to jail! Do you know how much of YOUR tax dollars it takes to house an inmate a day?

Not to mention what the hell am I suppose to after sex?! What, spoon??? Hookers hate that, and it coasts more. Maybe if cigarettes didn't coast so much I could afford that!

My favorite is: " Joe we want you around for a long time" ummm do you know me? I'm already a moody dick, and you want to take away smoking?!!
I'm just saying,
it's like this:
Joe - cigarettes = Total ASS HOLE

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Men are from Mars, Women don't poop..

First off, no good conversation ever starts with "you know what your problem is."

BUT... Ladies you know what your problem is?!!

I think you need to poop!
I have put a lot of thought into this, just hear me out. You don't have to be emotional, moody, and overly sensitive. I would be too if I couldn't poop when I needed to poop. Just let it go, I swear you will feel so much better.

"Oh, that's gross what would my boyfriend think?"
He would think you are human!!! Maybe you guys would get along better.

Maybe you would finally eat something. I too would only want a salad, if I had to hold it all night (and possibly though a 2 hour movie, and drinks after!!! Forget about sex!!!)
Maybe your job, and co workers aren't that bad after all? Could it possibly be that you are a little
"on edge" cause you need to let one go?
Maybe it's really not THAT big of a deal if I don't use a coaster!
Maybe you really don't like cats, and small dogs?
Maybe thongs are not comfortable, and they are just some kind of secret "poo blocker" if you will.

The more I think about it, the more I think you're a liar!!! That's right, you are living a lie! I don't even know you... How can you expect me to be completely honest with you. To share all my fears, hopes, and dreams? When you can't even truly be yourself?!!

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

is that beer cold?

Dear Coors Light,
Can you please stop with your cold activated labels, and case windows!!! It's BEER!!! We are going to drink it!!! Yea the mountains turn blue, great I'm not a first grader I'm not impressed. You are wasting money, no one is going to switch from whatever beer they drink to Coors Light like : "duh look, I can tell when that beer is cold" call me old fashion but you know how I can tell when my beer is cold I TOUCH IT!!! Or, wait for it, wait for it I take it out of the fridge!!! Gas is still $4,000 a gallon, But hey no worries we can now tell when the beer is cold...

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

When does it stop?!

Really hookers?!! It's come to this?
Saw an ad for an "escort service" Advertising for the "total girlfriend experience"?!!
UM...OK, so whats that mean? I have to bring flowers to my hooker, listen to her bitch about her day, then maybe do it missionary style in the dark with the covers on?.
When does it stop?
Do I have to call her the next day?
Meet her parents?
How much can $200 on hour get you?
More importantly do you only have an hour do do all this?!!

Thursday, June 3, 2010

What would Favre do...

What the hells wrong with you Ken Griffey Jr?! You are only 40! You're suppose to wait tell after the season!!! Then announce it while crying, then change your mind and asked to be released so you can play for your teams biggest rivals, then when you don't get your way play 1/2 ass for another team, retire again, and keep dragging it on for years... What would Favre do Ken? What would Favre do?!!